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I found most of these quotes on the web several years ago.
I have no idea how accurate the citations are.
The precision of the wording is not guaranteed;
and, some of the quotes might be attributed incorrectly --
I don’t really know who said what when.
Furthermore, some of the quotations are not intended
to be taken seriously.
If you are unsure about a particular quote,
you might want to check with
your doctor before reading it.
Updates:
| 18 | may | 2005 | original list | |
| 28 | june | 2006 | added 4 dijkstra quotes ( 3 on computers; 1 on math ) | |
| 17 | sept | 2006 | added integrity quotes from The Quote Garden | |
| 13 | oct | 2007 | added section for Dave Akin's Laws of Spacecraft Design | |
| 02 | jan | 2008 | added to Advice, Philosophy, Religion, Science, NoneOfTheAbove |
External Links:
| The Quote Garden | ||
| Quoteland |
Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what's right.
Never express yourself more clearly than you think.
There are two rules for success: 1. Never tell everything you know.
Well done is better than well said.
Better to remain silent and thought a fool,
than to speak and remove all doubt."
Never rub another man's rhubarb
Live as if you were to die tomorrow.
Learn as if you were to live forever.
Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.
We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
The concept is interesting and well-formed,
but in order to earn better than a 'C',
the idea must be feasible.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
640K ought to be enough for anybody.
Beware of bugs in the above code;
I have only proved it correct, not tried it.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot;
C++ makes it harder,
but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
If you don't know how to do something,
you don't know how to do it with a computer.
The difference between e-mail and regular mail is that
computers handle e-mail, and
computers
never decide to
come to work one day and shoot all the other computers.
Electricity travels a foot in a nanosecond.
One item could not be deleted because it was missing.
Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
In their capacity as a tool, computers will be but a ripple on the surface of our culture.
In their capacity as intellectual challenge, they are without precedent in the cultural
history of mankind.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind;
its teaching should, therefore, be regarded
as a criminal offense.
Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes.
The question of whether computers can think is like the question of whether submarines can swim.
The origin of the universe:
First, there was nothing. Then it exploded.
... the distinction between past, present, and future
is only a stubbornly persistent illusion.
Who are we? We find that we live on an insignificant planet of a
humdrum star
lost in a galaxy tucked away in some forgotten corner of a universe
in which
there are far more galaxies than people.
Sometimes I think we're alone. Sometimes I think we're not.
In either case, the thought is staggering.
There are more stars known to exist right now than the total
number of
all the grains of sand on every beach in the entire world.
With those kinds of odds, it would seem downright naive for
someone to
go to a beach in, say, some out-of-the-way inlet in
Baffin Bay,
stoop to pick up only one tiny grain of sand, and
declare that that grain alone
was the only place where life could exist.
We are just an advanced breed of monkeys on a minor planet
of a very average star.
But we can understand the Universe.
That makes us something very special.
I don't feel frightened by not knowing things,
by being lost in the mysterious universe
without
having any purpose, which is the way it really
is, as far as I can tell...
... Carl Sagan estimated that there are a million technological
civilizations in your galaxy alone. His more conservative
colleague Frank Drake offers the number 10,000.
John Oro calculates that the Milky Way is sprinkled with
a hundred civilizations.
Where is everybody?
Humans could theoretically colonize the galaxy in a
million years or so,
and if they could, astronauts from older civilizations
could do the same. So why haven't they come to Earth ?
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
Seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago
If you want to make an apple pie from scratch,
you must first create the universe.
Every truth has four corners: as a teacher
I give you one corner,
and it is for you to find the other three.
To teach is to learn twice.
A pupil from whom nothing is ever demanded that he cannot do,
never does all he can.
Learning is what most adults will do for a
living in the 21st century.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
The education of a man is never completed until he dies.
Education is what survives when what has been
learned has been forgotten.
No man really becomes a fool until he stops asking questions.
We have to reinvent the wheel every once in a while,
not because we need a lot of wheels;
but because we need a lot of inventors.
Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance.
When the only tool you own is a hammer,
every problem begins to resemble a nail.
You are where you eat.
The one function TV news performs very well is that
when there is no news
we give it to you with the same
emphasis as if there were.
A true friend stabs you in the front.
The most damaging phrase in the language is:
"It's always been done that way."
When you read a book, you hold another's
mind in your hands.
It is bad luck to be superstitious.
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to
recognize a mistake when you make it again.
After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have
no monument than why I have one.
The difference between fiction and reality ?
Fiction has to make sense.
Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things:
One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell.
The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth
and you should save it for someone you love.
A man with a gun is a citizen ...
a man without a gun is a subject.
Ted Kennedy has killed more people with his car
than I have with my gun.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun
than you can with a kind word alone.
Remember the first rule of gun fighting ...
"Have a gun."
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons
out of the hands of fools.
Let's start with typewriters.
...thus the metric system did not really catch on in
the States,
unless you count the increasing
popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago
have committed suicide.
Tom Seaver: "What time is it ?"
Yogi Berra: "You mean now ?"
Maybe in order to understand mankind,
we have to look at the word itself.
Mankind. Basically, it's made up of two
separate words -- "mank" and "ind".
What do these words mean ?
It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex,
there is an important lesson to be learned:
do not have sex with the authorities.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
If there is a 50-50 chance that something can go wrong,
then nine times out of ten it will.
More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads.
One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness,
the other to total extinction.
Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
For a moment, nothing happened.
Then, after a second or so,
nothing continued to happen.
Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite,
and furthermore, always carry a small snake.
It is better to have loafed and lost
than never to have loafed at all.
A quarter of a picture is worth 250 words.
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum:
I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.
Manufacturers have declared that KY jelly
is now Year 2000 compliant.
It is now called Y2KY jelly and apparently allows you to
insert 4 digits
into your date where previously
you could only fit 2.
If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made.
Very few people die past that age.
Except for an occasional heart attack,
I feel as young as I ever did.
It's not that I'm afraid to die.
I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television,
we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
I didn’t know he was dead. I thought he was British.
Do you hunt your own truffles or do you hire a pig ?
You make the beds, you do the dishes,
and six months later
you have to start all over again.
For birth control, I rely on my personality.
Drawing on my fine command of the English language,
I said nothing.
Dear contributor: Thank you for not
sending us anything lately.
It suits our present needs.
I am sitting in the smallest room of my house.
I have your review in front of me.
Soon it will be behind me.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once.
Department of Redundancy Department
What has four legs and one arm ? A happy pit bull.
Friends don't let friends drive Naked.
Keep honking, I'm reloading.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an IDIOT !
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it’s written on.
I read part of it all the way through.
I don't want yes-men around me.
I want everyone to tell me the truth,
even if it costs them their jobs.
Tell them to stand closer apart.
For your information, just answer me one question !
In two words, impossible.
Can she sing ? She's practically a Florence Nightingale.
Gentlemen, listen to me slowly.
Don't you hate it when your hand falls asleep
and you know it will be up all night ?
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in ?
I like to fill my tub up with water,
then turn the shower on and
act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is,
it's always room temperature.
I used to be an airline pilot.
I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane.
They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint.
It was in the shape of a house.
I also bought some batteries, but they weren't
included. So I had to buy them again.
Power outage at a department store yesterday --
twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I think I've forgotten this before.
Sponges grow in the ocean.
That just kills me.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be
if that didn't happen.
When I turned two I was really anxious, because
I'd doubled my age in a year.
I thought, if this keeps up, by the time
I'm six I'll be ninety.
If you have integrity, nothing else matters.
If you don't have integrity, nothing else matters.
The measure of a man's real character is
what he would do if he knew he would never be found out.
You can easily judge the character of a man
by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.
There is no such thing as justice -
in or out of court.
A jury consists of twelve persons
chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.
Justice is incidental to law and order.
When the facts are against you, pound the law;
When the law is against you, pound the facts;
When both the facts and the law are against you,
pound the table.
Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
When we lose the right to be different,
we lose the privilege to be free.
Every new body of discovery is mathematical in form,
because there is no other guidance we can have.
I advise my students to listen carefully the moment they
decide
to take no more mathematics courses.
They might be able to hear the sound of closing doors.
Suppose we loosely define a religion as any
discipline whose foundations
rest on an element of faith,
irrespective of any element of reason which may be present.
Quantum mechanics for example would be a religion under
this definition.
But mathematics would hold the unique position
of being the only branch of theology
possessing a rigorous demonstration of the fact that it should
be so classified.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics;
the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
Philosophy is a study that lets us be unhappy more intelligently.
Philosophy is questions that may never be answered.
Religion is answers that may never be questioned.
Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.
The problem with reality is the lack of background music.
Under capitalism, man exploits man.
Under communism, it's exactly the opposite.
If, one morning, I walked on top of the
water across the Potomac River,
the headline that afternoon would read:
"President Can't Swim."
I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job.
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
A billion here, a billion there,
pretty soon it adds up to real money.
We’ve upped our standards. Up yours.
In politics stupidity is not a handicap.
The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional
takes a little longer.
Politicians are the same all over.
They promise to build a bridge where there is no river.
I belong to no organized political party
-- I am a Democrat.
A low voter turnout is an indication of
fewer people going to the polls.
In America, anyone can become president.
That's one of the risks you take.
The President has kept all of the promises
he intended to keep.
University politics are vicious precisely because
the stakes are so small.
It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced
and less able man.
I think it would be a good idea.
The idea that God is an oversized white male with a flowing beard
who sits in the sky and tallies the fall of every sparrow is ludicrous.
But if by 'God' one means the set of physical laws that govern the universe,
then clearly there is such a God. This God is emotionally unsatisfying...
it does not make much sense to pray to the law of gravity.
We have just enough religion to make us hate,
but not enough to make us love one another.
In the beginning, there was nothing. And God said,
"Let there be Light."
And there was still nothing. But, you could see it.
Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
I contend that we are both atheists.
I just believe in one fewer god than you do.
When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods,
you will understand why I dismiss yours.
Jesus is coming. Look busy.
I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking,
and then I thought: What the hell good would that do ?
Infidel: In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion;
in Constantinople, one who does.
Christ died for our sins.
Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them ?
I think I'll believe in Gosh instead of God.
If you don't believe in Gosh too, you'll be darned to heck.
There are three religious truths:
1) Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2) Protestants do not recognize
the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3) Baptists do not recognize
each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
Christian fundamentalism:
the doctrine that there is an absolutely powerful, infinitely knowledgeable,
universe spanning entity that is deeply and personally concerned
about my sex life.
The world is not a prison house but a kind of spiritual kindergarten
where millions of bewildered infants are trying to
spell God with the wrong blocks.
God used beautiful mathematics in creating the world.
Science is what you know,
philosophy is what you don't know.
An expert is a man who has made nearly all the mistakes
which can be made,
in a very narrow field.
The most exciting phrase to hear in science,
the one that heralds new discoveries,
is not "Eureka!" ( "I found it!" )
but rather "Hmmm... that's funny..."
Physics is like sex:
sure, it may give some practical results,
but that's not why we do it.
In science one tries to tell people,
in such a way as to be understood by everyone,
something that no one ever knew before.
But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.
We all agree that your theory is crazy,
but is it crazy enough to be true ?
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement.
The opposite of a profound truth may well be
another profound truth.
This isn't right, this isn't even wrong.
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
Insisting on perfect safety is for people who
don't have the balls to live in the real world.
Research is the process of going up alleys to see if they are blind.
The saddest aspect of life right now is that science gathers knowledge
faster than society gathers wisdom.
The scientist is not a person who gives the right answers,
he's one who asks the right questions.
The odds are greatly against your being immensely smarter than
everyone else
in the field.
If your analysis says your terminal velocity is twice the speed of light,
you may have
invented warp drive, but the chances are a lot better that you've screwed up.
A bad design with a good presentation is doomed eventually.
A good design with a bad presentation is doomed immediately.
(Larrabee's Law) Half of everything you hear in a classroom is crap.
Education is figuring out which half is which.
(Henshaw's Law) One key to success in a mission is
establishing clear lines of blame.
For a complete list of Dave Akin's 38 Laws of Spacecraft Design
click here
We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.
Some people skate to the puck.
I skate to where the puck is going to be.
You'll always miss 100 percent of the shots you don't take.
Teamwork is the fuel that allows common people to
produce uncommon results.
If practice makes perfect, and
no one's perfect, then why practice ?
If you wouldn't do it in competition,
don't do it in practice!
The secret to managing is to keep the guys who
hate you away from the guys who are undecided.
In theory there is no difference between theory and practice.
In practice there is.
If people don't want to come out to the ballpark,
nobody's going to stop them.
Sport is like a war without the killing.
Pay attention to your enemies,
for they are the first to discover your mistakes.
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win.
Patriotism is the willingness to kill and
be killed for trivial reasons.
There is a terrible war coming, and these young men
who have never seen war
cannot wait for it to happen,
but I tell you, I wish that I owned every
slave in the South,
for I would free them all to avoid this war.
I can picture in my mind a world without war,
a world without hate.
And I can picture us attacking that world
because they'd never expect it.
I don’t know, I’ve never been kippled.
"Shut up", he explained.
A kleptomaniac is a person who
helps himself because he can’t help himself.
Why do we kill people who are killing people ...
to show that killing people is wrong?"
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